Not Proud, Just Stupid

For a long time, I thought that ethnic Chinese were a very proud lot and elitist by nature. This was because no matter how educated they were, they always chose to communicate in their own language, even in the presence of other Non-chinese.

However, as I learn more about these creatures, I discover that no matter where they are in the world, they continue to converse expressly in their own language even when they are the absolute minority - and they always need to create a 'chinatown' wherever they are located. This may seem like extremely arrogant behaviour to the uninformed but there is actually a good reason for this irrational practice.

They are stupid. Plain and simple. Their rudimentary brains cannot handle more than one language, so if they were brought up in their formative years with chinese exposure, they can forget about getting any good with English - or any other language. Unlike other races that can adapt and choose the best language to adopt, these handicapped humans can only continue to utter their base language - no matter the circumstances.

This fact is further supported by the American Born chinese (ABC) who are unable to handle the chinese language after they have been brought up in an English environment. They are pretty decent with their English but are dumbfounded when it comes to their 'mother tongue'.

Once again, I realise that we should pity this disabled folks for their lack of intellect and ability. They simply can't master the skill to be as fluent or clever as the Non-chinese - let them be. When we read memos and reports written by highly situated officials that have basic errors in grammar and spelling, we must understand that is the best that they can do.

Blowing Smoke

The irony of the world we live in is the fact that we believe so much of the crap that is fed to us, yet we doubt the very obvious that stare us right in our faces. I read in the papers yesterday that the annual smog/fog 'festival' (a.k.a 'The Haze') would not be arriving to Singapore this year. However, I got up this morning with the unmistakable odour of 'BBQ' smoke (for the sensitive, it does have a smell).

Coincidentally, today is the first day of the Hungry Ghost Month and yesterday night itself our chinese friends were out in full force burning whatever they could get their hands on. So, I am supposed to ignore the obvious amount of smoke that is being created by these local clowns and put the blame squarely on the Indonesians in Sumatra who are burning their forests thousands of kilometres away. Righhhhtttt.....

I have been observing this phenomenon for years now and it has never disappointed me. A 100% link with the hungry ghost month and the haze. The haze lingers through that month and disappears soon after the month (and the rampant burning) concludes. Yet, by some freak occurrence of nature, the Sumatrans are able to burn their forests all year round but the smoke only comes over to our fair shores at a particular time of the year.

The scientific evidence? KL also has a haze problem. Yes. But they also have cars that spew pitch black smoke, a horrendous traffic system and poor regulatory control over almost everything. The city is polluted and hence the haze. Also, if the smoke from Sumatra is coming over to the region, it's a ridiculous idea to suggest it only hits one particular place in Malaysia. Have you heard of a haze problem in other parts of Malaysia? I haven't. Even JB doesn't suffer as much as Singapore with regards to the haze problem although it is right next to us.

So what's the obvious? Indiscriminate burning leads to a significantly large amount of smoke being produced. The fallout? The smoke lingers over our country and ends up as the haze. It's a simple equation, really. Burning = Smoke = Haze. And surprise, surprise, this equation can actually account for the duration, location and intensity of the haze.

These days, I no longer fear the hungry ghosts that supposedly roam the republic every 8th lunar month. The bigger ghosts (who are hungrier and greedier by the way) that burn everything except themselves are far more scarier to me. I shiver in my pants when I see these 'ghosts' gleefully running around armed with joss sticks and candles as if they were dynamite sticks and 'hell money' as if they were blank cheques.

Since we, as a nation, pride ourselves of being able to eradicate corruption, how about extending it to the bribery of the supernatural? After all, isn't that what they are doing? Paying off the undead during the month so that their business/home/life is not disturbed.

The Glaze

Have you ever noticed the glazed look on some of the yellow-coloured Singaporeans? I don't mean the look in their eyes but the shiny glean of their skins - as though there is a permanent film of oil plastered to their faces. Well, after years and years of observation, I've realized a few things.

Firstly, this phenomenon is quite unique to those who have yellow-coloured skin. Secondly, there seems to be a correlation with the background of the individual to the glaze. Those who are generally understood not to have the habit of bathing frequently enough (especially in the morning) seem to have a 'better' glaze than those who have a wider exposure to cultures, habits and general hygiene. There is also quantifiable evidence that those with 'the glaze' are those who can be spotted having dry hair that is clearly shaped from sleeping on a pillow (of course there are fakers who gel their hair for the 'wet look'), with eye shit still lingering, crease lines on the face/body from sleeping on the bed, and, sometimes, a bit of dried drool near the mouth and/or chin.

Even though it could be a particularly ethnic-related phenomenon, the fact of the matter is that those from the same ethnicity who shower regularly (especially in the mornings) do not display 'the glaze'. The worst cases of 'the glaze' are normally accompanied with pungent body odour (permeating even through litres of perfume).

Even though there is no doubt that such glazed people do shower/bathe every once in the while, the rate of cleansing is so low that the glaze cannot be removed and exists even immediately after a shower. The underlying inference is the glaze (or oil, or dirt, or whatever the hell it is) is infused to the skin.

Ironically, it has always been these yellow-coloured people's misconception that those that are dark-skinned are so because of 'accumulated dirt'. What a turnaround reality is. You can do your own casual observations to verify the facts stated here. Although there may be instances where 'the glaze' can be witnessed on non yellow-coloured persons, it is an extremely rare scenario. It is my contention that this theory of 'the glaze effect' (with regards to yellow-coloured Singaporeans) can be statistically proven if a proper study is conducted.

Now, will there be any takers who would like to TRY and disprove me? Using the rationale of our local politics - in the absence of disproving me, it will be deemed that I am correct.

Disclaimer: I have been objective in my observations and have drawn conclusions from what is observable. I do not and cannot determine the intention of those that I criticize. As ever, my conclusions are not absolute and I always concede the fact that there will always be anomalies.

PS --> Please continue with the condemnations and insults to me. It serves to reinforce my prejudice and bias against you and spur me on with my work. Finally, before you cast the first stone at me, think about this: Are you with absolutely zero prejudice that you can truthfully take the hide road and condemn me? If your answer is 'yes', then aren't you contradicting your 'zero prejudice' by condemning me (ie. biased against my views)?

Crazy Dog People

The sedition incident that happened a few months back revealed the intolerance among some in the majority race of Singapore. The doggie site forums have users who compare their dogs to those in the Malay community and claim that their dogs are better. It's clear that they believe that just because they own their dogs, their dogs are better off than these 'lowly' humans.

The strange thing is, dogs cannot be civilized, they can only be trained to behave in certain ways. No matter how 'lowly' a human being is, we can still manage to have a conversation. Can you do that with a dog? Apparently, some of these disillusioned dog-lovers believe they can. Yes, they are the ones who bring a dog to a restaurant and put it on the chair next to them. They will feed it stuff from their own plate (or even order one for the dog itself) and talk to it and tell it to behave itself.

My question is simple. After treating it with so much respect, it doesn't occur to them to clothe their so-called friend. After all that talk and behaviour of a cultured individual, they leave the dog naked? This is your typical dog-lover. They can identify various breeds of dogs at the drop of a hat but can't tell an Indian from a Malay even though they have lived in multiracial Singapore all their lives. They think nothing of running around their pet collecting its shit but can find children who make barking sounds when encountering a dog stupid and laugh at them.

In reality, these people are likely to be psychotic and delusional. They behave as if they are the only real people around and live in their own world. It's more like an unhealthy obsession. They don't discuss alternative views from non dog-lovers or even feel the need to communicate their personal stand. To them, anyone who isn't a dog-lover is simply not considered a person at all. And that just spells plain dog-crazy!

The Joys Of Being A Second-Class Citizen

When some of the people I know talk about life overseas, they talk of how foreigners believe Singapore to be part of China. Such stereotypes may be incorrect and wrong but there are some advantages for the minority races. For example, if a Singaporean who happens to be an ethnic Indian were anywhere else in the world and claimed that he was a Singaporean, no one would believe him. He would actually have to work hard at convincing them that it was possible to be Singaporean whilst not being chinese.

The perks? No unnecessary problems with those who hate Singaporeans or the chinese. While the china chinese, hong kong chinese, taiwan chinese and Singapore chinese get all lumped together in the eyes of the foreigners and are in threat of getting walloped, the minorities get to travel without the risk of persecution at all. All this while we still have the basic (bare basic of course) rights as Singapore citizens.

Whilst we don't really have much choice inside Singapore and have to put up with the majority race's antics, outside of the city-state's borders, the tables are turned and being Singaporean and chinese tends to bring more trouble. So hey, I can get a house, job and other benefits as I am entitled to here and still get to sit in almost any public place inside a third world country without having to fear for my life. I think that's great.

Well, I may not be a jet-setting corporate executive but the knowledge of the fact of my guaranteed safety if and when I should travel is liberating and empowering in itself. So here's to all 'second-class' Singapore citizens.

Taxi Driver = Stupid

For years and years now, I have wondered why taxi drivers do the stupidest things. They drive too slow when looking for passengers and they drive too fast when they do get a passenger. They claim that they work very hard and yet skive often (sleep inside their taxis for example). They lament that they are often cheated by unscrupulous passengers yet take unnecesarily long routes in order to earn a few cents extra. When they are caught in the wrong (accidents and traffic offences) they claim that it was an honest mistake and appeal to the understanding of others, yet when they are in the right (especially during an accident), they can be the most unreasonable of all motorists.

They drive without due consideration for other motorists and are the cause of most accidents. It is no secret that almost every driver is weary of each and every taxi that is near him. Taxi drivers are amazingly nonchalant when they are causing inconvenience to others and are surprisingly impatient when they are on the receiving end of such inconvenience.

Well, I have come to the following conclusion: They are stupid. But not in an acting-stupid sort of way. They are naturally stupid, innately stupid. That's why they become taxi drivers. This is the only explanation that can account for their irrational behaviour - one type of character when they are at fault and an opposite character when they are in the right.

So, theses days, I just feel sorry for all these helplessly-stupid morons who drive taxis for a living. They just can't help being lazy when they ought to be working and complaining the rest of the time. They can't avoid looking for crooked ways to squeeze a few more cents out of the passenger whilst dishing out appalling service.

I think it is pre-ordained which of the population become taxi-drivers. Some get there faster, whilst others drudge through other careers before reaching their 'destiny'. In any case, let's be more understanding for these retarded fools. Drop a few cents on the bonnet of a taxi whose driver is sleeping in his taxi instead of trying to get passengers - because that's what he's there for, he's resting whilst waiting for alms. If someone really needed to sleep, he'd go home to bed right? Why else would he do that when driving a taxi is a flexible-work vocation.

Finally a disclaimer: Even though, in my opinion, 99.99% of taxi-drivers are such morons, I have to concede that a few (extremely few) unfortunate souls are trapped in this vocation due to various extenuating circumstances. My comments are based on this 99.99% and not on this absolute minority of sensible people who just happen to be taxi drivers.

China In The SEA Games

What an exciting week ahead. The SEA Games have started and we have China joining in this year. China is moving to its new home in South East Asia, to Singapore. As athletes who can't speak a word of English represent Singapore (where English is the First Language) and start chalking up the gold medals, the world witnesses this phenomenon. With the brilliant idea of overpaying foreigners to get them to take up citizenship in Singapore and represent our colours for sporting events, we now have the opportunity to further confuse the world of our heritage.

Supporting the worldwide recognition of Singapore being 'a little town in China', the number of actual born-and-bred Singaporean athletes will be successfully phased out soon at the current rate.

The value of Singapore citizenship continues to get more affordable to any tom, dick and 'ah tan' who can manage to use a table tennis bat. Singapore supporters also get a chance to play the 'Was this athlete born in Singapore?' game. Whenever a Singaporean athlete wins a medal, we can immediately start speculating and confirmation comes when the athlete says a few words. If anything other than English is spoken, we have a winner!

Some proponents of having Singapore becoming an outpost for China have suggested that the Game's highlights and reports be moved to Channel 8 and/or Channel U so that additional dubbing in English can be avoided when telecast on Channel 5.